Man Utd: Hojlund is new Ronaldo as he ‘leaps to defence’ of Rashford in curious fashion

Rasmus Hojlund is Ronaldo and Marcus Rashford is Bruno Fernandes despite being in terrible form that prompts a ‘message’ from the Dane…

Who can possibly save Ten Hag’s job at Man Utd?
As the back pages of the nation’s newspapers pretend that anybody gives a flying f*** about England playing Australia, the focus online is still on Manchester United and the tantalising prospect of Erik ten Hag getting the sack. Oh how we all needed them to lose to Brentford on Saturday to sustain us through this wasteland of an interlull. F*** you, Scott McTominay.

But let’s not let the fact that there is almost zero chance of Ten Hag getting the sack in the coming weeks spoil the fun. Especially if you work for the Express website, who never knowingly undersell the nonsense.

Man Utd have new Cristiano Ronaldo and Bruno Fernandes pairing that may save Ten Hag’s job

That ‘pairing’ that famously didn’t really work that well together? That ‘pairing’? And Mediawatch cannot help but notice that Fernandes is actually still at Manchester United. Do they really need a ‘new’ version of their most creative player?

We read on…

Erik ten Hag needs a repeat of Cristiano Ronaldo and Bruno Fernandes’ heroics in Manchester United’s last Champions League campaign to avoid being dumped out in the group stage.

That’s a hell of a long-winded way to say that Manchester United need to win some games in the Champions League.

United were equally unconvincing in the 2021/22 Champions League group stage, topping Group F despite winning just three of their fixtures.

Yes, there’s nothing quite so unconvincing as finishing top of your Champions League group after losing just one game. That does sound as ‘equally unconvincing’ as starting with two straight defeats.

They then detail just how good Ronaldo and Bruno Fernandes were in that Champions League campaign. Which brings us neatly to this ‘new Cristiano Ronaldo and Bruno Fernandes pairing that may save Ten Hag’s job’.

In United’s disappointing opening defeats, two players have produced the goods, replicating Ronaldo and Fernandes’ exploits from 2021.

Hmmm. Not sure you can say anybody has ‘replicated’ the exploits of players who claimed six goals and six assists between them in that Champions League group stage.

Except, well, of course you can if you’re desperate…

Rasmus Hojlund has scored three goals in his opening two Champions League appearances, and Marcus Rashford has two assists to his name.

The pair have struck up a bright partnership in the early stages of the 20-year-old Dane’s United career.

Well this is awkward because Rashford has basically been sh*t. He was taken off after 68 minutes against Galatasaray and the Manchester Evening News awarded him 5/10 and this scathing assessment: ‘Did brilliantly to assist Hojlund but this was another sub-par performance and his confidence is so low he botched a fabulous chance to make it 2-1 when his square pass failed to reach Fernandes.’

They must continue producing in Europe to escape a humiliating scenario that would inflict further uncertainty over Ten Hag’s security as United boss.

Hmmm. We think United might need rather more than Rashford ‘continuing to produce’ assists in defeats.

Ronaldo and Fernandes undoubtedly delayed Ole Gunnar Solskjaer’s eventual sacking in 2021. Hojlund and Rashford can prevent Ten Hag’s.

They literally only delayed it until the end of November, fellas. Even an off-form Rashford might manage that. But we suspect what Ten Hag actually needs is for his goalkeeper to remember how to be a goalkeeper.

Defend the indefensible
Much has been made of Rashford scoring just one goal this season and the fact that he has been substituted in his last three appearances. But you know who has not made anything of this lack of form? That would be Rasmus Hojlund.

He has been talking to the press in his native Denmark, with Tipsbladet quoting him as saying: “I really like playing with him. He is a world-class footballer. I enjoy playing with a player like him.”

He was then asked if he looked up to Rashford and answered: “Yes, 100 percent. He’s a player I’ve looked up to, even though he’s only a few years older than me. He has done well since he came in as a 19-year-old and scored against Midtjylland. I think he has been a great player ever since, and it is of course great that we are teammates today.”

Frankly it’s all massively dull. Or at least it was until…

Rasmus Hojlund issues defence of ‘world class’ Marcus Rashford after Manchester United criticism

Nope. No defence. Just one player talking warmly about his teammate. No, Evening Standard, Hojlund is not ‘adamant that Marcus Rashford will return to top form for Manchester United sooner rather than later’. That’s frankly bollocks. And of course, where one leads, all eventually follow…

‘Rasmus Hojlund leaps to defence of Marcus Rashford after Man Utd criticism’ – Mirror.

‘Manchester United striker Rasmus Hojlund sends message to Marcus Rashford’s critics’ – Manchester Evening News.

And he chose to send that ‘message’ via the medium of some anodyne, timeless quotes in a room full of Danish journalists.

When two worlds collide
This made us laugh in The Sun:

RED ALERT Harry Maguire fires blunt warning to Man Utd & Ten Hag as he says ‘I won’t sit here my whole life playing once a month’

Oh Jesus. How will a petrified Man Utd and Ten Hag respond to a ‘blunt warning’ from the defender they desperately tried to sell in the summer that he might leave in January?

Is that the distant sound of ‘who gives a f***’?