Klopp makes Salah admission that is not about Salah or an admission or even relevant

The Daily Mirror have either scaled new heights or plumbed new depths in the transfer story headline-writing game, depending on your point of view. It’s a staggering piece of work.

Don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone
Sometimes Mediawatch sees something so brazen, so staggering in its shamelessness, that we have no choice other than to stand and applaud the sheer brass-balled chutzpah of the whole enterprise.

The Daily Mirror website today achieves such things and more with what may very well be the absolute zenith (or nadir, if you prefer) of the despicable genre of headline which contains no out-and-out falsehood but deliberately and malevolently sets out specifically to deceive. You may want to sit down for this, just so you too can stand and applaud when you see what the magnificent evil bastards have done.

Ready? Okay then.

Liverpool told to sign Mo Salah replacement after Jurgen Klopp’s ‘already gone’ admission

Now this is Mediawatch and you’re a Mediawatch reader, so even at this early stage we reckon someone as handsome and intelligent as yourself has already worked out that ‘Jurgen Klopp’s “already gone” admission’ does not as is heavily implied here refer in any way whatsoever to Mo Salah.

We’ve paid pretty close attention to what Klopp’s been saying in recent weeks, and are confident if he’d said “already gone” about Salah, we’d have noticed. It would be kind of a big deal.

So no, obviously, it is not that. But even you, handsome and intelligent Mediawatch reader, may struggle to work out how the Mirror have managed to stitch that headline together without technically doing anything wrong.

Don’t worry, there’s no shame in that. Indeed, it’s a positive; this could almost be one of those riddles your aunt puts on Facebook that says ‘If you can solve this then the FBI reckon it might mean you’re a psychopath’. Or worse still, a headline writer for the Mirror website.

No, we hope you don’t get it. Let’s work it out together, shall we?

For those unfortunates who don’t already have an in-built alarm system blaring away at a headline like that, the intro should tip them off.

Liverpool have been urged to sign Napoli sensation Khvicha Kvaratskhelia should Mo Salah leave Anfield.

Should? That doesn’t sound like someone who’s ‘already gone’.

Not that it matters much here, but the man doing the urging is Stephen Warnock – or ‘former Reds star Stephen Warnock’ in tabloidese – who himself is very clear about this being if Salah is sold.

‘I think the big problem is with Salah if you get a £175million offer from Saudi Arabia that’s difficult to say no to. I wouldn’t sell him in January but maybe next season, but only if you’ve got someone else lined up.’

So where’s this ‘already gone’ coming from? And where does Klopp fit in to all this? Sometimes there’s nothing else for it but to show the entire workings of a trick…

A deal for Kvaratskhelia will not be cheap under any circumstances. The Georgian winger’s agent said last November that any deal would be worth around €100million (£87m).

That price will likely have increased since. The 22-year-old scored 14 goals and notched 17 assists last term as Napoli won Serie A and reached the Champions League quarter-finals.

He actually came up against Liverpool in the competition last season, with Jurgen Klopp expressing his admiration of the forward. The German said: ‘He is a good player, both are good players. It was a really difficult one. I know people will talk about one or two situations with Trent [Alexander-Arnold] when he tried to get in front of him and the ball goes through.

‘He is really good, the boy. Really quick, we have to defend it well together in these moments. When he has the advantage of the first moment, then he is already gone.’

You f***ing f***ers. You brilliant, appalling f***ing f***ers.

When I’m 34
It’s not just online where the Mirror is excelling today, with a back page that features not one but two doozies.

MIRROR SPORT: It’s coming home…and so am I! #TomorrowsPapersToday pic.twitter.com/4eV0umugtq

— Neil Henderson (@hendopolis) October 10, 2023

IT’S COMING HOME… AND SO AM I! Kane: ‘I’ll be there’ (when he’s 34) at 2028 Wembley final

Three things here. One, it’s entirely unremarkable that Kane – a player who does not and never has relied on pace, who keeps himself in tip-top condition, who is at this moment still improving and growing as a player, and who has shown repeatedly (often to pundit-baiting levels) that he can do things other than leading the line as a pure No. 9 – would consider playing a major tournament at 34 entirely feasible.

This falls into that category of story where you should ask yourself ‘Is the opposite story more compelling?’ and if the answer is yes, spike it. Kane saying ‘Gah, it’s just a shame that will come too late for me as I’ll be fully Eden Hazarding it by then’ would be far more newsworthy.

Still, though, we must accept there is not one single piece of recent evidence that world-class players can still have a significant impact on major tournaments in their mid-30s. Don’t go looking, you won’t find any. Wasting your time.

Second, did Kane promise he and England would get to the final? Don’t even need to answer that, obviously.

Third, who do you think is more likely to lead the line for England at Euro 2028? Is it a) a 34-year-old Harry Kane, currently the country’s all-time leading goalscorer and starting centre-forward for Bayern Munich, or b) an 18-year-old Kai Rooney, currently a 13-year-old member of Manchester United’s academy with a very famous dad? If you answered b), then congratulations/commiserations: you are Daily Mirror Chief Sports Writer Andy Dunn.

Wrong turn
But Timelord Kane isn’t the only baffling thing about that Mirror back page, is it?

WHAT’S GONE WRONG WITH ERLING HAALAND?

Alas, the lack of space upon that page leaves them quite unable to squeeze in a more accurate headline such as WHAT’S GONE WRONG WITH PREMIER LEAGUE TOP GOALSCORER ERLING HAALAND?

To which the answer would presumably be: not much, just had one bad game against Arsenal.

Fun with numbers
The lads at Opta have run the numbers and come up with some percentages to suggest where every Premier League team is likely to finish. It’s fair enough. To be absolutely clear, this is reasonable predictive work from a proper statistics company and not a batshit, absurdly precise league table dreamt up by a SUPERCOMPUTER (for which, read: bored bookmaker PR scrolling through the latest title and relegation odds on his company’s website).

But while Opta’s work is perfectly sound, The Sun have decided to take it, run with it, and go absolutely mad.

The final Premier League table for the 2023-24 season has sensationally been predicted.

If you are sensationalised by the news that Manchester City are the likeliest team to win the league, with Arsenal, Liverpool and Tottenham the current likeliest teams to round out the top four, or that Sheffield United and Luton are likely to get relegated, then you are very easily staggered.

Despite being less than a third of the way through the campaign, it has already been filled with plenty of thrills and spills.

Less than a quarter, but carry on.

Champions Manchester City have suffered a staggering THREE losses on the bounce, the most-recent of which came against Arsenal on Sunday.

Only TWO of those (domestic) losses were in the league, but carry on.

Manchester United are toiling in tenth place, although they picked up a dramatic, morale-boosting comeback victory over Crystal Palace on Saturday.

Brentford, but carry on.

The international break has given Opta’s finest time to predict how the season will pan out.

And their number crunching has provided some interesting results.

Has it, though?

Scrambled egg
Baffling stuff from the Express this morning under this headline

Liverpool risk egg on face moment like Chelsea and Man Utd with ‘decision soon’

What’s this about, then? Doing something stupid, are they? Going to backfire on them, is it?

Liverpool are reportedly considering offloading midfield starlet Stefan Bajcetic in a move that could potentially come back to bite them in spectacular fashion.

Right, that would seem a bit mad. That could definitely backfire.

Another setback before the international break would have frustrated Klopp, who is still lacking a natural No 6 without Bajcetic.

Alexis Mac Allister has been given that role for now with Curtis Jones given the nod to start alongside Dominik Szoboszlai when everyone is fit. Where that leaves Bajcetic remains to be seen though and Fabrizio Romano for CaughtOffside has suggested Liverpool could look to loan the midfielder out.

Well that’s a bit different to ‘offload’. Maybe perhaps possibly looking at sending a hugely talented young player out on loan because he’s going to struggle for game time for you at this moment in time doesn’t seem like it’s egg-on-face territory. Seems like it’s an entirely normal and routine player-development decision that happens literally all the time at literally all the clubs.

Liverpool have also been a selling club when offered a deal they simply can’t refuse and Bajcetic won’t be short of admirers with deep-lying midfielders tough to come by in the current market.

Here we go, then. Liverpool sell players ‘when offered a deal they simply can’t refuse’ which, once again, places them in a category alongside pretty much every football club in the world. Is there any tiny indication they have any actual plans to sell Bajcetic on a permanent deal? Or that such an unrefusable offer is coming?

But Liverpool need only look at examples from Chelsea and United how selling young stars could leave them with egg on their face.

Yeah, fine, but is there any indication from anyone that Liverpool plan to do this?

Angel Gomes is now ripping it up in Ligue 1 with Lille and was a huge part of the England squad that won the Under-21 European Championship earlier this year. He left United on a free transfer three years ago and is the kind of midfielder United could desperately do in Erik ten Hag’s squad.

Chelsea have had even worse judgement on letting their young players leave only to see them thrive elsewhere. Nathan Ake, Mohamed Salah, Fikayo Tomori and Marc Guehi are just a few players to have left Chelsea in recent years after being told they weren’t wanted.

But are Liverpool actually planning to do this with Bajcetic, though?

Liverpool have notoriously sold well under Klopp’s reign with only a few players going on to have better careers elsewhere.

But Bajcetic would be the biggest gamble yet were they to let the Spaniard slip through their fingers.

That’s not what notoriously means. Literally an entire column built out of nothing: Liverpool might be making a mistake if they were to do this thing there is absolutely no indication they are planning to do. Thanks for that.

We know it’s the international break. We know Liverpool = clicks. But come on.