Arsenal spending, Kane saga, Kenilworth Road delays: five more summer SHOCKS after Harry Maguire’s Man United captaincy stub

Harry Maguire has been stripped of the Manchester United captaincy, because he barely plays for them, they are actively trying to sell him, and Bruno Fernandes is right there and did it 40-odd times last season anyway.

It is the least surprising development in the history of developments. But it has apparently left Maguire angry and shocked and threatening to QUIT Manchester United, something Manchester United would presumably be absolutely delighted about.

Now we’re pretty certain Maguire has been thoroughly stitched up by this coverage. There is simply no way he’s that daft. Disappointment would be understandable despite the inevitability of this news, but he simply cannot be shocked. We don’t think he is, even though that means doubting the word of The Sun.

But in the spirit of being shocked by obvious things, here are five more things that have left us SHOCKED to the CORE this summer…

Luton postponing their first Premier League home game
As soon as there came the first hint that Luton might get promoted people started to get very excited about Kenilworth Road being a Premier League stadium, with its small capacity and quaint away entrance arrangements. You’ve all seen it. Some of the attention was undeniably patronising, but I still think the overriding element was one of joy and a sense of somehow sticking it to the sanitised Premier League with its carefully crafted Best League In The World self-image.

Kenilworth Road does not remotely fit the Premier League’s idea of itself and everyone who’s even a tiny bit Against Modern Football can enjoy that. And that’s basically all of us.

But it was also inevitable that some fairly significant work would have to take place to get the old place halfway Premier League ready, work they could not begin until promotion was confirmed via the play-off final, work that would inevitably overrun. The only real question was whether Luton’s first home game in the Premier League would be postponed or switched.

Arsenal fighting the good fight for plucky little dreamers everywhere by continuing to spend absolute fortunes
We all know the story of last season. Lucky, brave little Arsenal, the David to the beastly Manchester City Goliath that sadly managed to accidentally slingshot themselves squarely between the eyes. Their heroic title challenge lasted longer than most expected before imploding horribly and entirely. But this was no bottle job, remember; nobody can be expected to compete with City’s riches by taking more than a point from home games against Southampton and Brighton or beat West Ham from 2-0 up, and certainly not scrappy paupers like Arsenal.

City have all that money, don’t they? Nothing Arsenal, with a five-year net spend of almost £600m, can do about that. A shrug of the shoulders and a celebration of a job well done was the order of the day.

I mean look, City can go around casually dropping nine figures and breaking British transfer records on obviously talented and enormously promising footballers who are nevertheless as yet untested at the very highest level of club football. Arsenal could never do something like that.

Saudi Arabian clubs queuing up to snaffle Chelsea and Newcastle deadwood at generous rates
What a tremendous stroke of good fortune it was for Chelsea, desperately needing to balance their books a tiny bit after the absurd excesses of the last 12 months and finding willing takers at extraordinary prices for all their extremely dead wood in the Saudi league. How serendipitous!

Even more astonishing, though, is the sight of Saudi teams lining up to sign Newcastle spare parts as they collide with their own FFP ceiling en route to world domination. Honestly, what are the chances?

Daniel Levy digging his heels in until the very, very last over Harry Kane
Manchester United are in obvious need of a striker. Harry Kane has only a year left on that silly Spurs contract his brother sorted out while playing dress-up as a football agent. So it would of course be straightforward for United to simply approach Daniel Levy with a sensible sum of money and get that deal done. We’d not checked for a bit but assumed that deal was all wrapped up before June was out. Staggering to discover that Levy hadn’t just dealt quietly and calmly with a Perceived Premier League Rival to conclude a deal where everyone got something.

Astonishing to learn that a) Manchester United have now moved on to other targets because Levy is just too much hard work, b) Manchester United have thus far failed to sign any of those other targets either, and c) Levy is now breaking Bayern Munich’s balls. It’s always the ones you least expect, eh.

Man City’s £160m move and enraging Spurs: the ten worst attempts at forcing Levy into selling Kane

Anthony Elanga being lined up by Everton
Anthony Elanga is a talented footballer, a full international who is probably good enough to play Premier League football but not quite good enough to do so at Manchester United on any kind of regular basis.

And now you’re telling me this footballer might be about to make a move to Everton? Mind. Blown. What next? Liverpool signing a player from Southampton? Cats and dogs living together? At this rate, West Ham will take all their Declan Rice money and spaff it on a load of daft shit.