Harry Kane masks his pain as he ‘suffers blow’ of STILL having six televisions in hotel

You might think that life in Germany was going rather well for Harry Kane, what with being the Bundesliga top scorer this season with 15 goals, including a hat-trick against Borussia Dortmund. There has been fanciful talk of Bundesliga season records being broken.

Top scorers in 2023: Kane up to second after back-to-back Bayern Munich hat-tricks

Of course you would be wrong. Things are not going well at all. The Sun have an exclusive:

RED-FACED Goal machine Harry Kane suffers blow off the pitch despite sparkling form for Bayern Munich since £104m summer move

First, not a £104m summer move; he cost somewhere between £82m and £86m depending on the exchange rate.

But more importantly, what is this ‘blow off the pitch’ that has left him ‘RED-FACED’? Did he drive the wrong way around a roundabout? Did he make an embarrassing faux pas and declare himself to be a doughnut in broken German?

No. It’s worse:

HARRY Kane is still living in a hotel in Germany where he has run up a £1million tab – after failing to net a new house.

Frankly, we are embarrassed for him. Squirming here. He might have scored a hat-trick of Bundesliga hat-tricks but he has ‘failed to net a new house’. Even Mediawatch has a house, FFS.

Quite how this is a Sun exclusive when he literally said on Sunday that he is “still waiting to find a house” is unclear but here we go; let’s try and curb our second-hand embarrassment as we find out how a man who has earned approximately £5m in Germany since August has spent £1m of it on a hotel.

The striker, 30, who earns around £415,000-a-week, has been staying in a £10,000-a-night suite at Munich’s Vier Jahreszeiten Kempinski Hotel.

It means with his entourage and add-ons his tab is as much as £1million since August.

‘As much as’? So the £1m ‘tab’ (wonderful touch by the way, as it implies he has not paid) is actually just a guesstimate. It’s what happens when you times £10,000 by 87 days and then do some rounding up for sundries.

And those sundries are apparently his ‘entourage’, because of course Kane looks exactly like a man who has an ‘entourage’, and ‘add-ons’, which is an incredible football term for what we strongly suspect is food.

So what The Sun are in fact claiming is an exclusive for doing some basic maths.

And where one leads, others absolutely must follow…

Harry Kane runs up £1m tab in Munich hotel as he is still yet to find a new home since moving to Bayern

Still? That’s Goal, writing that ‘Harry Kane has reportedly run up a £1 million tab at the Munich hotel he is staying at on the back of his summer transfer to Bayern’.

Reportedly? You really could have done the maths yourselves, guys.

Harry Kane suffers blow outside of football despite taking Bayern Munich by storm

GB News there, perfectly illustrating why Kane should have stayed in England, where everything is so much better. They earn extra points for shamelessly ripping an image of said hotel off Google Maps.

But MailOnline are the kings of this sh*t and here they are:

Harry Kane ‘STILL hasn’t found a new home’ since his £100m move to Bayern Munich… with in-form striker ‘chalking up a £1MILLION tab in a luxury £10,000-a-night suite’ since August

Double CAPITALS. It’s big. He STILL hasn’t found a house. After nearly three months. And now ‘chalking up a £1MILLION tab in a luxury £10,000-a-night suite’ is a quote that quotes absolutely nobody except themselves and absolutely implies that he has not paid.

England captain Harry Kane has still yet to find a new house since his £100million move to Bayern Munich, according to reports.

The 30-year-old striker, who netted his third Bundesliga hat-trick on Saturday during Bayern’s 4-0 triumph over rivals Borussia Dortmund, has been living in a £10,000 per week suite at Munich’s Vier Jahreszeiten Kempinski Hotel since August.

It means in total, with his entourage and add-ons included, Kane has already chalked up a tab exceeding £1m in Bavaria.

We’re adding that ‘entourage’ and those ‘add-ons’ and now the bill is ‘exceeding £1m’. Just one step removed from the ‘exclusive’ maths and the total is already rising.

The Sun are obviously not done there and take us ‘inside Harry Kane’s luxury Munich hotel where England captain has racked up £1MILLION tab as house hunt goes on’.

Or rather, they take us inside this MailOnline article that they found from August.

From MailOnline in August: ‘Kane’s suite is located in the historic wing of the hotel and features a separate living room, two bathrooms made of Carrara marble, silk curtains, six televisions and has designer furniture and other state-of-the art facilities.’

From The Sun in November: ‘Kane’s suite is understood to be located in the historic wing of the hotel and features a separate living room. There are also said to be two bathrooms made of Carrara marble, silk curtains, designer furniture, six televisions and a host of other state-of-the-art facilities.’

Copied? I just ‘understood’ almost exactly the same things, miss.