Every Premier League club’s best and worst player (for PPG): Martinez is a Manchester United jinx

Lisandro Martinez is obviously too small to excel as a centre-half in the Premier League for Manchester United, while Richarlison is the Spurs king.

It’s time to look at the best and worst-performing players at every Premier League club based purely on their points per game because deal with it. An arbitrary minimum of 100 minutes will be applied to make it vaguely worthwhile.

Arsenal

Best PPG: Takehiro Tomiyasu (2.50)
Thomas Partey, Jakub Kiwior and Aaron Ramsdale (no-one tell his dad) are all equal to Tomiyasu but have not played nearly as often as Arsenal’s Player of the Month for October.

Worst PPG: Jorginho (2.0)
Jamaal Lascelles was “fuming” with the temporary Arsenal captain but Jorginho obviously didn’t shake hands through sheer shame at appearing in each of the last seven Premier League games Arsenal have dropped points in.

Aston Villa

Best PPG: Nicolo Zaniolo (2.11)
With some obvious personal matters to contend with, and under increasing pressure from a vocally dissatisfied element of the Villa fanbase, Zaniolo is nevertheless clearly doing something right.

Worst PPG: Diego Carlos (1.43)
That high line is not designed for a 30-year-old who has struggled with injuries since moving to England; Diego Carlos has sat out four Villa victories but played in each of their draws and defeats, which is a solid effort in 277 minutes.

Bournemouth

Best PPG: Ionut Radu (1.50)
That is how you make conceding seven goals in two games look good, even if six of those were against Manchester City.

Worst PPG: Jaidon Anthony (0.33)
No wonder Bournemouth shipped him out to Leeds (where his Championship PPG is 2.27).

Brentford

Best PPG: Kristoffer Ajer (1.50)
The defender has started just two of Brentford’s four Premier League defeats; he celebrated winning a late goal kick before Scott McTominay did a couple of Old Trafford madnesses in one, before understandably struggling to handle Liverpool at Anfield in the other.

Worst PPG: Ben Mee (1.00)
Shape me, anyway you want me. Long as you love me, it’s alright.

Brighton

Best PPG: Mahmoud Dahoud (2.25)
After winning each of his first five games in the Premier League, Dahoud quite foolishly played in consecutive draws against Fulham, Everton and Sheffield, getting sent off in the last of those matches.

Worst PPG: Igor Julio (0.80)
Fellow summer signing Igor has tasted victory once in eight appearances for Brighton – in that famous win at Ajax. And even then he came on at half-time.

Burnley

Best PPG: Hannes Delcroix (0.67)
Quite brilliantly takes the mantle by playing three minutes of the Nottingham Forest draw and one of the Luton win, losing every other match. That’s how you game the system.

Worst PPG: Dara O’Shea (0.00)
Four Burnley players have started at least one Premier League game while losing on every appearance so far this season. But Manuel Benson (one start), Wilson Odobert (two) and Vitinho (five) cannot match O’Shea (seven).

Chelsea

Best PPG: Marc Cucurella (1.83)
That is some turnaround from a player who would probably be engulfed in Manchester United’s latest crisis from the bench if he hadn’t played in the Carabao.

Worst PPG: Carney Chukwuemeka (0.50)
Tiny bit harsh on a player who started and impressed in the opening draw with Liverpool, before scoring an equaliser against West Ham and being taken off due to an injury at 1-1 in a match Chelsea would eventually lose 3-1.

Crystal Palace

Best PPG: Chris Richards (1.75)
The American defender has started five Premier League games since joining in July 2022 and Crystal Palace did not win any of them. So yeah.

Worst PPG: Jesurun Rak-Sakyi (0.33)
It’s little wonder that Roy Hodgson doesn’t feel he can trust the kids at Selhurst Park when their five youngest players to make a Premier League appearance this season have returned the worst PPM so far. Nothing at all to do with him lobbing them on towards the end of lost causes.

Everton

Best PPG: Jack Harrison (1.67)
James Maddison and Pedro Neto are not bad players to match in terms of goals and assists per 90 minutes this season (0.82).

Worst PPG: Michael Keane (0.00)
Three players also qualify for the criteria and can match Keane but both Neal Maupay and Alex Iwobi had enough sense to get out of dodge before the transfer window shut, while Lewis Dobbin has barely played.

Fulham

Best PPG: Kenny Tete (1.40)
Fulham won two and drew one of their first five games with Tete starting at right-back; since his injury, they have won one and drawn two of their seven matches without him.

Worst PPG: Sasa Lukic (0.71)
Technically the best Serbian player at Craven Cottage since August, if that’s any consolation.

Liverpool

Best PPG: Jarell Quansah (3.00)
Had only ever won as a Liverpool first teamer before they contrived Toulouse in the Europa.

Worst PPG: Ibrahima Konate (1.88)
Incontrovertible proof that Liverpool need to swap Virgil van Dijk’s defensive partner; Konate has only won half of his eight Premier League games this season.

Ibrahima Konate during a Premier League match

Luton

Best PPG: Teden Mengi (0.71)
Luton had already lost two games before Mengi joined, with the centre-half sitting out two further defeats and the Wolves draw before coming into the side and really being very good indeed.

Worst PPG: Ryan Giles (0.17)
Alfie Doughty (0.50) has left his left-back rival – Luton’s record signing, no less – in the dirt.

Manchester City

Best PPG: Rodri (2.80)
His fitness and ability to avoid getting wound up by Morgan Gibbs-White will decide the title race. Rodri had won 21 of his last 22 Premier League games when starting in central midfield before that really quite ridiculous Chelsea game.

Worst PPG: Matheus Nunes (1.80)
First Pep Guardiola season, is it?

Manchester United

Best PPG: Scott McTominay (2.33)
There’s a reason Erik ten Hag doesn’t feel as though he can do without his joint-top Premier League scorer this season.

Worst PPG: Lisandro Martinez (1.20)
The Butcher is quite clearly too small to play at centre-half in the Premier League.

Newcastle

Best PPG: Jacob Murphy (2.60)
Will be genuinely missed by an impossibly rich football club which signed him as Championship winners under Rafael Benitez.

Worst PPG: Joe Willock (1.33)
A rare example of a Newcastle player returning from injury rather than heading the other way, Willock made his first Premier League start since May against Bournemouth and promptly lost.

Nottingham Forest

Best PPG: Danilo (1.50)
Missed a large chunk of the season but has still remarkably featured in every Nottingham Forest league win since he joined in January.

Worst PPG: Callum Hudson-Odoi (0.75)
Way to make three draws, a defeat – to Manchester City – and one sublime goal look quite bad.

Sheffield United

Best PPG: George Baldock (0.83)
His four starts have included a victory in which he won the decisive late penalty, two draws and then two single-goal defeats. Pretty excellent, considering his club’s plight.

Worst PPG: Max Lowe (0.00)
Six players have featured for Sheffield United in the Premier League this season and only ever lost, but Lowe is alone among them in actually having started.

Tottenham

Best PPG: Richarlison (2.60)
Whip that top off in celebration, young man. How wise to sit out the high-line extravaganza, apparent moral victory against Chelsea.

Worst PPG: Eric Dier (0.00)
A substantial portion of his Premier League minutes have been spent defending with nine men on the halfway line, while Dier was part of a Spurs side actually beating Wolves until collapsing in stoppage-time.

West Ham

Best PPG: Angelo Ogbonna (3.00)
Stunning work to step in for the suspended Nayef Aguerd for a couple of August wins over Chelsea and Brighton and only making one appearance in the Premier League since: for a single minute of the West Ham win.

Worst PPG: Mohammed Kudus (1.11)
He is quite clearly absolutely rubbish. But also brilliant and the only West Ham player keeping in vague goalscoring touch with Jarrod Bowen despite being drip-fed his minutes.

Wolves

Best PPG: Matt Doherty (1.83)
One defeat in six Premier League games, and that was the really silly Liverpool one.

Worst PPG: Hugo Bueno (0.67)
Matheus Nunes can equal his status as Manchester City’s biggest jinx with a PPG of 0 for Wolves, while Bueno is yet to properly commit his soul to Gary O’Neil.