Arsenal pair and Manchester United striker earn spots in our worst summer signings XI

Only November, isn’t it? Not even had our third momentum-killing international break of the season yet, have we? Far too early, then, to be calling any new signings absolute wasters who have shamed themselves and their new clubs. 

So let’s do exactly that. We’ve no choice, really, having already done the opposite version which is full of praise and congratulations and thus no fun at all.

GK: David Raya (Arsenal)
Definitely not the worst goalkeeper signed this summer. Arguably not even the worst deal. But its current combination of going badly and being largely unnecessary makes it tough to beat.

While seeking to upgrade any position when the opportunity arises is undoubtedly elite club behaviour, and Aaron Ramsdale isn’t quite as good as Arsenal fans would have you believe, it still felt like a case of Mikel Arteta creating a problem where none existed. Ramsdale was doing perfectly well, the fans were perfectly happy with him, and now there is tension where there was no tension before and while Raya has displaced Ramsdale it’s hard to say things have improved in Arsenal’s goal.

He looks nervous as all hell on the ball, which is the sort of thing that radiates through teams and terraces and simply wasn’t an issue when Ramsdale was in there, and his habit of getting way in front of his near post and stranded under bog-standard crosses is a concern. If Raya could position himself for crosses, Arteta and Arsenal could have spared themselves all the embarrassment of their tinfoil-hatted, swivel-eyed response to the Newcastle game. That alone gets him in this team.

READ: Raya is a better goalkeeper but right now Ramsdale looks a better ‘Arsenal’ goalkeeper

RB: Max Aarons (Bournemouth)
Tipped for great things in his Norwich days but now probably only about 15th on any list of potential England right-backs which is only partly due to the sheer number of potential England right-backs currently in existence. His desire to get back in the Premier League was understandable and Bournemouth looked like a move that could work out well for everyone. It has not currently worked out well for everyone.

Aarons does escape some censure for Bournemouth’s torrid start having missed 86 minutes of the mortifying experience of conceding three goals to Sean Dyche’s Everton, but the mitigation is a touch limited by the fact he missed that game having been dropped following a 4-0 whipping from Arsenal. Did register an assist at the weekend, but as that came in a 6-1 defeat at Manchester City there’s a reasonable chance you’re still thinking about the bad news.

CB: Nathan Collins (Brentford)
Pretty confident he plays himself well out of this side by season’s end, but it was a tough start to life at Brentford for the Ireland international as the Bees won just one of their opening eight games and joined Bournemouth in suffering the ignominy of shipping three goals in defeat to Everton.

CB: Calvin Bassey (Fulham)
Harsh this, but centre-back is definitely a problem area in this team given most new signings have done either perfectly well or not been seen to pass judgement. Bassey’s misfortune is to have been pressed into just enough service to highlight why he isn’t yet a first-choice Premier League defender, with by far his most challenging night of a fledgling Barclays career coming at Tottenham where he was at fault with conspicuous errors in the lead-up to both Spurs goals. Careless of Fulham in general really to play Spurs on one of the nights when they don’t go down to nine men and lose the entire run of themselves. Lesson to learn, there.

LB: Ashley Young (Everton)
The misleadingly named winger-turned-left-back has defied the march of time for longer than anyone could have expected but it eventually catches up with us all, and the 38-year-old has suddenly looked very, very old indeed in an Everton defence rarely too far away from its latest crisis.

CM: Sandro Tonali (Newcastle)
Newcastle have been a surprisingly (and frankly disappointingly) sane football club since obtaining wealth the like of which has never been seen before in a game already dangerously awash with questionable cash. Whatever the rights and wrongs of it all, that extreme fortune has been spent almost entirely prudently on a very sensible manager and a series of very sensible signings to very sensibly improve what was a massively struggling side.

But they got their pants pulled down here, didn’t they? It always looked a strange deal, a player who clearly didn’t want to leave Milan and definitely didn’t want to move to Newcastle seemingly forced into it by his former club. A sparkling debut against Aston Villa promised good things, but performance levels dropped off rapidly from that eye-catching start and everything now makes sense.

READ: Sandro Tonali betting scandal pushes boundaries of sympathy for him and Newcastle

CM: Youri Tielemans (Aston Villa)
Just a remarkable fall from grace for a player who for most of his Leicester career was coveted by the biggest clubs in England and beyond but by the end of it, out of contract and with the world his oyster, found himself at a good but non-elite club in Aston Villa. Where he can’t even get a proper game on any day other than Thursdays and has been reduced to insisting he isn’t panicking about losing his place in Belgium’s squad through lack of playing time.

CM: Waturu Endo (Liverpool)
We understand why Liverpool signed him when they did, because the Saudis came along and left the Reds suddenly dangerously short in central midfield and forced into completing what were undoubtedly necessary renovations to their engine room far more rapidly than had been anticipated. The magnificent Dominik Szoboszlai was already on board, as was Alexis Mac Allister, but further bolstering was required and Endo was an easy deal to do for a player with solid underlying numbers. Had Liverpool known that the far more complicated business of extracting Ryan Gravenberch from Bayern would also be completed before the deadline, Endo would surely not have been brought in. But they couldn’t know that at the time, so took a pragmatic position.

All perfectly understandable, but it does now leave them with a bit of a spare part who is conspicuously levels below his midfield rivals. Endo being here is good news for Liverpool, really: if anything, Clive, they’ve almost completed their one-window midfield rebuild too well.

READ: Liverpool midfielder among five Premier League summer transfers that already look pointless

RF: Kai Havertz (Arsenal)
Just a very strange signing for a very large fee. He’s… not that good? He wasn’t that good at Chelsea, he hasn’t been that good at Arsenal. He has, though, completed some vitally important work in exposing once and for all the bafflingly inexplicable yet clearly very conspiracy in which the FA, Premier League and PGMOL are for reasons unknown working together to make sure Arsenal finish like second or third or something.

The plot may have remained hidden forever had it not been for the brave and selfless work of Havertz, who showed it all up for what it was when he was disgracefully yellow-carded when Sean Longstaff clattered recklessly into the German’s studs with his shinbone. Havertz’s yellow card for his pains was suspicious enough, but when only three Newcastle players were booked in the aftermath the anti-Arsenal conspiracy was clear to all as scales finally dropped from eyes up and down Premier League Land.

LW: Justin Kluivert (Bournemouth)
On the one hand it’s impressive for a player at just 24 to have already played in all five of Europe’s top leagues and the Eredivisie. On the other, it rather suggests a player being found out at a level that puts off not only the club he’s currently at but every other one in that particular league. A name can get you a long way in this game, but only so far when your best goalscoring season is still the 10 Eredivisie goals you managed in 2017/18 as a teenager. No goals or assists as yet for the Son of Patrick in the latest stop-off of his big league grand tour.

CF: Rasmus Hojlund (Manchester United)
This one is entirely on the club and the amount they paid and not in any way the player. Wrong signing, at the wrong time, for the wrong fee. None of that is the fault of Hojlund, a player who is both quite obviously a striker of significant potential but also in no way ready to be Manchester United’s one and only starting striker. He’s just not ready. It was a luxury signing United simply couldn’t afford to make. They signed a young prospect to mould in the ways of righteousness when they needed to sign the ready-made, finished article.

To make matters worse, United spent finished-article money on the young prospect. His rich promise is highlighted by the fact he has five (admittedly likely futile) Champions League goals. His current unsuitability is highlighted by the fact he has no Premier League goals for a Manchester United team that has at least five goals fewer than any other side in the top half of the table.